The PAC Model: The Best Tool to Uncover Patterns and Behaviours Holding You Back
Ever wondered why you find yourself stuck in a mental loop of criticism, affecting how you navigate situations? If so… read on because I’m going to introduce you to something that blew my mind when I first learned it!
NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) offers tools to understand how our thoughts, language, and behaviors shape our lives, fostering better self-awareness and communication.
One of my favourite NLP tools is the PAC Model ( (Parent Adult Child) as it stands out as a guiding principle in deciphering our thought processes and behavioural tendencies.
Have you ever had any of these voices in your head?
“You should/must do better” or “Respecting the rules = good /Not doing so = Bad” (This is your Controlling Parent)
“I’m a bad person” or “I’m not worthy” (Adapted Child)
"I'm proud of you."It's okay to make mistakes.” (This is your Nurturing Parent)
"I want to explore and discover”, or "Let's have an adventure!" or "Let's try it and see what happens!!" (This is your Natural Child)
The tendency is to listen mostly to our Controlling Parent & Adapted/ Rebellious Child more, they push us hard, maybe too hard, creating unrealistic goals or believing the narrative that we are not enough.
Some lucky ones out there, really let their Natural Child shine and be heard all the while receiving the kind & healing words of the Nurturing Parent, they find that things seem much more authentic and life seems more manageable.
If you struggle to find those voices within yourself, hear yourself speaking to your loved ones - it’s there, notice it and sit with it when you hear it. Or perhaps, notice when you are being told those things by others, acknowledge them, and invite them in, truly.
By doing so, you are creating a gentle reminder & a new neural-pathway - aka, a new possible path to explore next time your good ol’ critical chat starts creeping up!
Try to do this one day and ‘moment’ of “noticing” at a time. Start there. Don’t over complicate it.
So, what the heck is a PAC Model exactly?
The PAC model or the Parent-Adult-Child model from Transactional Analysis, is a theory of personality that suggests that people operate in three different ego states: Parent, Adult, and Child.
These ego states are not literal parents, adults, and children, but rather different ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving. Parent and Child ego states are based on the internalised values and beliefs of our parents and our own childhood experiences
Exploring the Three Modes
Both ‘parent’ and ‘child’ modes/ego states have a a helpful and an unhelpful side at times. It is important to note that there ego states are not necessarily bad things.
Our Parent ego state can help us to be responsible and to set boundaries.
1. PARENT:
Based on learned behaviours, values, beliefs and rules picked up by authority figures such as your parents or teachers. It’s split into 'nurturing parent' (self-care) and 'controlling parent' (expectations and 'shoulds').
Nurturing Parent: This aspect reflects learned behaviors, values, and attitudes absorbed from parental or authoritative figures.
Caring & Supportive: Nurturing Parents are empathetic and caring. They express concern for the well-being of others and are willing to offer emotional support.
Encouraging: They provide positive reinforcement, motivation to help to grow and excel.
Protective: Nurturing Parents are protective of those they care about. They strive to keep loved ones safe and shielded from harm.
Nurturing & Affectionate: They provide a sense of comfort and warmth.
Understanding & Patient: They listen attentively and show patience in helping others through difficult times.
Guidance & Wisdom: They provide guidance and share their wisdom.
Stable & Reliable: They are dependable and consistent, providing a sense of reliability in relationships.
Empathetic & Compassionate: They put themselves in others' shoes. They seek to understand others' feelings and perspectives.
Non-judgmental & Accepting: Creating a safe and open space for sharing feelings and concerns.
Loving & Equanimous: They love unconditionally and without strings attached, which fosters a sense of security and acceptance with a sense of calm and composure.
Controlling Parent: It embodies expectations, 'shoulds,' and rules ingrained from external authority sources.
Critical and Judgmental: Controlling Parents tend to be critical and judgmental of others' behaviours and actions. They often set high standards and expect strict adherence to rules.
Authoritarian & Bully-Like: They may adopt an authoritarian approach, seeking to exert control and dominance over others. They often dictate what should be done and how it should be done.
Prescriptive: Controlling Parents prescribe specific behaviours or courses of action for others and may offer unsolicited advice or directives.
Rule-Oriented: They are rigidly rule-oriented, emphasising the importance of following established norms and regulations.
Demanding: Controlling Parents can be demanding and expect compliance with their expectations.
Lecturing & Criticising: They may engage in lecturing or criticising others when they perceive deviations from their standards.
Moralistic: Controlling Parents often have a strong sense of morality and may impose their moral values on others.
Fear-Inducing: Some may use fear or intimidation to ensure compliance with their directives.
Unyielding: They are generally unyielding and uncompromising in their approach.
Difficult to Please: As they are chasing un-aligned values it’s difficult for them to achieve satisfaction
2. CHILD:
You might be thinking I’ve skipped ahead to child and missed out ‘adult’ - well that’s because for me it makes more sense to look at parent and child modes first, before we move onto your more rational side. Child mode is also split into two parts: the ‘natural child’ (spontaneous, fun, creative) and the ‘adapated child’ (sulky rebellious, and ‘childish’.
NATURAL CHILD: embodies creativity and ‘free thinking’
Spontaneous: The Natural Child is characterised by spontaneity and a playful, uninhibited expression of emotions and desires.
Curious: They are often curious and open to new experiences, approaching life with a sense of wonder and exploration.
Creative: The Natural Child is creative, imaginative, and often sees the world through a childlike lens.
Emotionally Expressive: They readily express their emotions, both positive and negative, without excessive restraint or self-censorship.
Joyful & Fun-loving: The Natural Child often exudes joy, enthusiasm, and a zest for life. They find pleasure in simple experiences.
Resilient: They tend to bounce back from disappointments and setbacks with a resilient and hopeful spirit.
Vulnerability: The Natural Child can be vulnerable and authentic in their interactions, showing their true feelings without fear of judgment.
Living in the Present: They are more focused on the present moment, often experiencing life in a straightforward and unfiltered manner.
Playfulness: The Natural Child enjoys play, humour, and lighthearted activities, bringing a sense of fun to their interactions.
Intuitive: They may rely on intuition and gut feelings in decision-making, sometimes trusting their instincts over rational analysis.
ADAPTED CHILD and/or REBELLIOUS CHILD:
Adapted Child:
Anxious: The Adapted Child may experience higher levels of anxiety, particularly related to the fear of disapproval or making mistakes.
People-Pleaser: They strive to meet the expectations and needs of others, at the expense of their own.
Self-Doubt: Usually about their own abilities, leading to a reliance on external validation.
Over-thinker & Hesitant: They tend to excessive overthink and worry about potential negative outcomes and fear of failure or criticism.
Dependent: The Adapted Child can exhibit dependency on authority figures or others for guidance and decision-making.
Overly Compliant: They tend to adhere closely to social norms and conventions, aiming to fit in and avoid standing out.
Conflict Avoidance: They avoid conflict and confrontations, preferring to maintain harmony and avoid disruptions.
The Rebellious Child:
Rebellious: Tendency to be self-destructive and need to push barrier to feel like they are in change after feeling oppressed for too long.
Desire for Freedom: values personal freedom and dislikes feeling constrained or restricted by rules and expectations.
Challenging Authority: They have a tendency to challenge or question authority figures and rules, often in a defiant or non-conforming manner.
Nonconformity: Resisting social norms and conventions, choosing to express themselves in unique and unconventional ways.
Anti-Establishment Attitude: They may adopt an anti-establishment attitude, advocating for change and challenging the status quo.
3: ADULT:
Your rational, objective side and analyses situations based on present info, not past experiences. The Adult mode is centered on present-oriented analysis, problem-solving, and decision-making based on current information and facts.
Rationality: The Adult ego state is rational and logical, making decisions and solving problems based on facts, analysis, and evidence.
Objectivity: It maintains an objective perspective, free from the emotional biases and judgments that often influence the Child and Parent ego states.
Critical Thinking: The Adult engages in critical thinking and evaluation, assessing situations and information with a clear and analytical mind.
Realism: It seeks to understand and respond to the current reality rather than being influenced by past experiences (as in the Parent) or emotional reactions (as in the Child).
Effective Decision-Making: The Adult excels at making effective decisions by considering all available information, consequences, and options.
Problem-Solving: It is skilled at problem-solving, identifying issues and finding practical and efficient solutions.
Information Processing: The Adult processes and evaluates information in a systematic and objective manner.
Autonomy: The Adult ego state embodies a sense of autonomy and self-reliance, making independent choices and taking responsibility for them.
Empathy: While the Adult is objective, it also has the capacity for empathy and understanding the perspectives and emotions of others.
Flexibility: It is adaptable and open to new information, willing to change course or revise decisions when it is rational to do so.
Assertiveness: The Adult can assert itself confidently and express its opinions, needs, and desires in a constructive and respectful manner.
Clarity: It communicates clearly and concisely, contributing to effective and efficient interactions.
We can use the PAC model to better understand ourselves and understand why we get stuck in certain ‘loops’. We can quickly identify which part of us is responding to the situation around us.
Understanding the PAC model empowers us to navigate life with more awareness. It provides a framework to consciously shift between modes, enhancing self-awareness, and improving communication.
By incorporating these practices, you can develop emotional agility and increase the presence of the Adult archetype:
Mindfulness meditation: Enhance connection with the Adult ego state.
Emotional awareness: Recognise and shift from Child ego states to the Adult ego state.
Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT): Challenge irrational thought patterns and promote rational thinking.
Emotion regulation: Learn techniques to maintain emotional balance.
Journaling: Reflect on experiences to promote self-awareness and facilitate Adult ego state activation.
Communication skills: Practice active listening, empathy, and assertiveness.
Problem-solving: Develop rational, solution-oriented skills.
Self-reflection: Assess behaviour, decisions, and impact to foster self-awareness and growth.
Empathy: Cultivate understanding of others' perspectives and feelings.
Stress management: Learn techniques to remain calm and rational during stress.
Regular mindfulness practice: Strengthen neural pathways to the Adult ego state.
Feedback and coaching: Seek guidance and support from trusted individuals or professionals.
Practicing these approaches that reinforce the Adult archetype involves consciously training your brain to respond in a particular way to situations.
The repeated practice strengthens the neural pathways associated with rational thinking, emotional regulation, and constructive behaviour.
As a result, your brain becomes more adept at accessing the Adult ego state, allowing you to respond in a balanced and constructive way, often subconsciously.
This helps promote emotional agility and adaptability in a wide range of life situations.
Problems are best addressed and people best dealt with from the rational ‘adult’ position – be honest, don’t score ‘points’, try to see the other person’s or archetype’s point of view.
Did any of the statements or examples of parent, adult, child resonate with you?
Practice one of these techniques over 3-4 weeks and see how you feel. It may be that you just need to have that internal dialogue to mediate the archytypes and see how everyone can win!
